Last Night’s Episode Of Ambien Conversations


One of the drawbacks of having a really active brain is sometimes the inability to shut that brain off so you can sleep. As a result, on occasion my husband has to take a nighttime sleep aid. Last night was one of those nights. Before he had gone to sleep, we had watched the hilarious interview Stephen Colbert did with Paul Rudd to promote his new movie “They Came Together.”–1

The following is the conversation that happened after the Ambien had kicked in. He woke up, wandered into the bathroom, stumbled back and opened with-

Him: You know that Judge Apatow?

Me: Judd

Him: What?

Me: It’s Judd Apatow. Not Judge Apatow

Him: Well that explains it. I was wondering why he was a judge

Me: You know, he’s married to that blonde chick who’s in all his movies.

Him: Sarah Silverman?

Me: No. She’s a brunette.

Him: Oh. I know! The one who goes to law school and has the dog!

Me: What?!

Him: You know, “Legally Blonde.”

Me: No. That’s Reece Witherspoon.

Him: That’s the girl that was in the movie with the guy that was on Colbert.

Me: No. Paul Rudd was in “Clueless,” is that what you’re thinking of?

Him: Yes!

Me: That’s not Reece Witherspoon. It’s Alicia Silverstone.

Him: That’s what I said at the beginning!

Me: No, you said Sarah Silverman, not Alicia Silverstone. Neither of them are married to Judd Apatow.

Him: Well who’s married to Judd Apatow?

Me: You know, the blonde chick who’s in all his movies…


Cast of Characters:

Judd-Apatow-This-Is-40-900x600This is JUDD not JUDGE Apatow. He directs movies, and sometimes acts in them.

sarah-silverman-f-28189This is Sarah Silverman. She is a comedienne. She used to date Jimmy Kimmel. She has a bit of a potty mouth, was NOT in “Clueless” and is NOT married to Judd Apatow.

MV5BMTI3MjcyNzI2NF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTYwNzI5Nzkz__V1_SY400_SX268_AL_This is Paul Rudd. He has been in a few of Judd Apatow’s movies, such as “40 Year Old Virgin” and “This is 40.” He was also in “Clueless,” NOT with Sarah Silverman (see brunette above) but with…

db1bbc195bAlicia Silverstone. The only thing I know about what Alicia Silverstone has been up to since “Clueless” is that she’s vegan. Oh and that she’s NOT married to Judd Apatow.

reese-witherspoon-imageReece Witherspoon. Was in “that movie where she goes to law school and has a dog” but was NOT in “Clueless.” Also, not married to Judd Apatow.

Leslie_MannTHIS is Leslie Mann. AKA “that blonde chick Judd Apatow is married to, who is in a lot of his movies.” Because my kids aren’t allowed to watch most of Judd Apatow’s movies, she will always and forever be Ursula Stanhope from “George of the Jungle.”

apatow-blog480See? Adorable.


Date Night- 22 Jump Street And Elephant Ears


Yesterday when my husband called me at 2:30 in the afternoon, I hadn’t been having my favorite day. The weather was gloomy, my mood was gloomy, and I had used up all my energy on not dipping oreos in my coffee for breakfast.

Him: What’s up?

Me: Nothing

Him: Are you in the bath?

Me: How did you know?

Him: I can hear it in your voice.

He then suggested that we go see a matinee of “22 Jump Street.” I weighed my thoughts about having to get dressed to go out to see a sequel to a movie I thought was just okay against watching Channing Tatum for two hours.

Channing won.

We left Parker and Nathan hovered over some computer game, with Sydney under a blanket by the fire. (The world is a very cold place when you have no body fat. Or so I’m guessing) Zoe was off at a birthday party.

We bickered a bit over the route to take to the theater.

Him: Wouldn’t it just be easier to turn left here and get on the freeway?

Me: Well, you’re welcome to do that, discounting the multiple number of times I have driven this road during rush hour to take Zoe to soccer, and the fact that my GPS says the back way is faster. It’s completely up to you.

He took the back way.

When we got to the mall and drove around to the back where the theater is, a ferris wheel came into view. It turned out that a carnival had been set up in the parking lot. It was one of those rickety deals that looks like the rides haven’t been inspected in… ever.

As we pulled into a parking spot I looked over at the carnival.

Me: They have elephant ears.

Him: It’s a carnival.

Me: I know. But it’s not every day that you’re at the mall and there are elephant ears RIGHT THERE. Within reach.

Him: Do you want an elephant ear?

Me: No, no. I mean, they aren’t just gonna let me walk into the theater with an elephant ear, right?

We got up to the entrance of the theater and as we walked in, we noticed that the place was nearly deserted.

Him: First ones here!

Me: This is crazy. There are three movies opening today. Where is everyone?

Him: Well, we have 25 minutes until the movie starts. I don’t think we need to worry about getting a seat. Are you SURE you don’t want an elephant ear?

Me: Uh. I don’t know, I mean… it’s so messy… and where are we going to sit to eat it? We can’t come in here with it.

Him: I’ll bet by the time we walk back across the parking lot it will be gone.

Me: Okay. Why not.

We approached the outskirts of the carnival, which, by the sparse crowd, I guessed had just opened. We walked up to the elephant ear booth.

Him: Been pretty slow so far?

Carny Girl: Yep.

Him: One elephant ear please

Carny Girl: What kind?

Him: There are kinds? I want cinnamon and sugar and butter on it.

Carny girl: They all have that. But you can add strawberry jam, whipped cream, chocolate syrup…

Me: Plain

Him: Plain?

Me: Yes. Plain. I like my elephant ears in their purest form.

So we paid and then went around the other side of the booth to wait.

Him: You know, looking around, with this crowd, and that music it almost feels like the beginning of…

Me: A horror movie?

Him: Exactly. Some sort of zombie apocalypse.

I’m not trying to be mean, but there’s just a certain type of crowd that seems to gravitate towards these kinds of events. They’re a little rough around the edges.

And the employees. Do they have to wait to apply for a job with the carnival after their release, or do they have some sort of prison-to-carnival transfer program?

We looked over at the booth selling toys. We both said a prayer of gratitude that Parker wasn’t there to beg for a blow-up Scooby doo doll or a plastic bow and arrow. (mark-up 5000%, life span- 8 hours tops)

Several minutes went by before our overcooked elephant ear made its appearance at the window.

Jeff looked down at the deeply browned dough.

Him: I think they left it in too long.

Me: Yeah. Not good. Where are we going to eat it? Sitting on a bench outside of the LA fitness?

Him: We should just stand in front of the window licking the sugar and butter off of it, staring at them as they work out.

We walked past the gym window and found a place to stand on the sidewalk. A group of teenagers who appeared to be heading towards the carnival were walking through the parking lot when a boy called out to them from in front of the theater. One of the girls turned around, squealed and went running towards the boy. She was taller than Jeff and he looked to be about the size of Zoe. They met in the middle of the lot where he jumped into her arms. There was all sorts of excited talk, which I had a difficult time hearing over the sound of elephant ear crunching. (Elephant ears should NOT crunch.)

A car came up, so the group moved onto the sidewalk right next to us. A couple of them gave us some glances, but I was standing my ground, since we had been there first. After a few minutes, Jeff moved closer to the theater and I followed him. Actually, I followed the elephant ear that he was holding. I felt sick and yet compelled at the same time.

Him: That’s sad.

Me: What’s sad?

Him: Didn’t you hear what that kid said?

Me: No.

Him: He just got out of jail.

I looked over at the group.

Me: That little boy? The one who looks not a day over 12 if that?

Him: Yes. He said he got in a fight right before he got released.

I was stunned. So young, and already on a very bad path.

Jeff handed me what was left of the elephant ear.

Him: I’m going inside. You should just roll the rest of it up and shove it in your mouth.

Me: I’m not gonna do that!

I totally did that.

I stood by the trash can eating the last bit, with sugar falling all over my shirt. My fingers were coated. I looked up to see a man at the ticket counter watching me. Not my classiest moment. Also not my classiest moment? Lifting my ginormous ice tea out of the cup holder by the lid, which came off, spilling it on my husband and causing him to move a seat over from me. He can’t take me anywhere.

As for the movie, I don’t want to give any spoilers away, but I feel that one of the characters definitely stole the show, and it wasn’t the one played by beautiful Channing Tatum, Jonah Hill or Ice Cube. Don’t get me wrong, they were all hilarious throughout, but this movie contained maybe one of my favorite villains ever. The writing was far better than the original.

I loved that the movie didn’t take itself too seriously, that there were many tongue-in-cheek references sprinkled throughout. (For example, a goofy chase scene on the college campus in front of the Benjamin Hill center for film studies) And the ending AFTER the ending was one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a long time, poking fun at all the formulaic sequels.

I needed those laughs, there’s nothing like a hefty dose of belly laughter to elevate a mood. If you can deal with language, you’ll love this movie.

imageThere’s nothing like being able to ride the spider and then head over to TJ Maxx for a bargain. (Don’t let the weather in this pic fool you, The sun had just come out for the first time all day)







The Heart Of A Dad


TV_dadsWhat makes a good dad?

I went Father’s Day card shopping this week, and for the millionth time I thought to myself, “I should be a greeting card writer.” I couldn’t possibly be any worse at creating cards than the people who made the crap I sifted through for nearly an hour.

Do these people HAVE fathers? Do they speak to them? Do they know ANYTHING about them?

I am a fan of dads. I have a dad. I’m married to a dad. I know a few others.

I feel I can say with confidence that the majority of the dads I know fall somewhere in between the tie-wearing, golfing, fishing, tight-ass emotionally detached stereotype and the beer-drinking, crude joke telling, flatulence-filled handymen that are represented in the majority of these cards.

There seems to be a one-size- fits-all approach to Father’s Day, and I think it’s really unfair. Dads are multi-dimensional. They aren’t Ward Cleaver and they aren’t Al Bundy. They are so much more than that.

So, here is my tribute to the dads I know. I hope I don’t miss anyone.



To the men who get up early every day to sit in traffic and spend 8-10 hours in an office to provide for their families

To the men who work the nightshift and still try to function during the day because that’s when their kids are awake

To the men with physically taxing jobs that sap them of their energy and strength by the end of the day

To the men who work from home so they can send their kids off to school and be there when they step off the bus in the afternoon

To the men who serve in the military and miss so many of the big moments in order to fulfill their duty

To the men who rearrange their schedules to be at as many sports practices, dance recitals, doctor’s appointments and school conferences as possible

To the men who ache for the flexibility to do that, but can’t

To the men who walk in the door ( instead of heading to the bar or some other refuge) knowing that before they can take their coat off  someone in their household is going to dump a list of problems and/ or chores on them

To the men who know that they deal better with all those chores and/or issues once they’ve had a chance to let off steam at the bar or the gym or the driving range

To the men who play catch with their kid or kick around a ball from the time they can walk

To the men who sit with their kids and read them stories

To the men who do it  themselves

To the men who know when a job is best left to an expert

To the men with hormonal daughters that leave them baffled but still sit and listen to their girls in hopes of understanding

To the men with sons they don’t know how to connect with, but they keep trying

To the men who don’t get to see their kids every day

To the men who have to see their kids all day, every day

To the men who have come out on the short end of a custody battle but keep fighting

To the men who have stopped fighting so there can be peace

To the men who do it all on their own

To the men who have lost a child and will never be the same

To the men who lie awake at night wondering and dreaming about who their baby will grow up to be

To the men who lie awake at night wondering how their baby grew up so fast

To the men who didn’t have a father to emulate so they’re figuring it all out as they go

To the men who had a great father and want to live up to their legacy

To the men who know whatever kind of father they want to be, it’s nothing like the father they had

To the men who worry they aren’t doing it right but don’t realize their self-examination is a strong indicator they are on the right track

To the men who’ve made mistakes and owned them

To the men who show up, who are in their kids’ corner, who push when it’s necessary to push, but still have a shoulder to cry on when needed

To the men who are strong for their families even when they are afraid

To the men  who love their kids in the best way they know how…