Yesterday my husband decided he wanted to go for a bike ride. I haven’t been in a while; a really long while, actually. I decided to go along. The following are my thoughts during yesterday’s outing.
> This can’t be my helmet. This strap is so tight I have created 3 additional chins. ( It was not my helmet, it was Nathan’s. You know it’s been a while if you can’t even recognize your own helmet.)
> Ooh, mountain biking is so much more fun than running, and yet still a good workout.
(One minute later)
>Ho boy, I am out of shape.
> Was that a bug? Did a bug just go up my nose? It did. A bug just totally went up my nose.
> Clearly my innate klutziness not only extends to mountain biking, it is exacerbated by the random holes, rocks and tree roots.
> Oh good. Downhill. Too fast. Too fast. Toooo FAAST!
>Please, God, don’t let me crash in front of these real mountain bikers. They’re already annoyed that I’m here.
> Wait- what are they looking at? What are they- Aww dammit, I knew should have worn a sports bra.
>Oh look! My husband can still do wheelies, intentional or not!
> Ack! another bug up my nose. Don’t you guys have any sense of self-preservation?
> Don’t hit that rock. You’ve got plenty of room on either side. Don’t hit the rock.
>You hit the rock.
>Is it forward or back on the gears to make it easier to go up the hill? Oh crap. Wrong way. Now my hands are too sweaty to shift back.
>I think I just heard a tree knock. Another one- yes, that definitely was a tree knock. I knew these woods looked squatchy.
>I’m pretty sure we are on the wrong trail. This has to be a trail for more advanced cyclists.
> Actually I don’t think this is a trail at all. More like a gauntlet.
>What was that I was thinking earlier? Biking is easier than running?
> My hoo ha can’t take another bump. Can’t you trees keep your roots to yourself?
>Good thing I’m done having children. Pretty sure that last bump made me sterile.
>Ferns aren’t as soft as they look
>Oof! I’m almost positive that bump just made me pee my pants.
>Bug in my eye! Bug in my eye!
>Oh goody. Only 1.6 miles to the parking lot.
>Hmm. Even tree huggers litter their clif bar wrappers. I thought you people loved the environment!
>Almost there. Try not to crash into the parking lot.
>Phew! Made it! I wonder how long it takes for a bruised undercarriage to heal.