Not Practically Perfect In Any Way



So much for movie night at the school.

The kids begged me to go. I said, “you know it’s ‘Mary Poppins,’ right?”


Yes yes of course we do.




We get there and the place is already full. Parker insists on bringing a giant stuffed polar bear, which is the size of an actual polar bear, and Zoe wants to find a place for her 3 friends who aren’t there yet.

We find a small spot big enough for them, but not me. I end up in a chair on an aisle close enough for them to yell at me, yet  too far to communicate without bothering everyone in between.


Parker and his giant bear refuse to make room and when Zoe attempts to move him, her coke spills all over her pizza.

Parker is up and down, up and down. Popcorn, bathroom (twice), kid in front of him sitting on his knees, blocking the screen. I tell him to get Zoe to handle it, which she does.

I look over and he seems to be content double fisting the two bags of popcorn he bought, and then had equally divided his Kit Kat and licorice Into. I try to watch the movie with one eye and him with the other.


Mary Poppins has just finished “spoonful of sugar” (the movie wasn’t even half over) when Parker reappears at my side, telling me he doesn’t want to watch the movie anymore. He wants to go home.

I’m torn between forcing him to sit back down and getting the heck out of there.

Common sense wins out over my sadistic streak. Besides, sitting in that plastic chair with kids coming and going in front of me is not my idea of a good time.

I say “Fine, ask if Zoe can get a ride with Sophie, and grab your shoes, your two bags of popcorn, your sprite and your blanket. Leave the bear, it’s too big to try to drag out through all these people. ”


We finally get out of there, almost making it to the cross walk, when Parker looks behind us and lets out a whimper of fear.


I turn to see a giant polar bear running at us in the dark on tiny bare feet.


Zoe had hauled it out through the crowd and chased us down.

I wait and watch to make sure she doesn’t get kidnapped on her way back into the cafeteria.


On the walk home Parker says, “They let us vote on the movie but I didn’t pick Mary Poppins.”


I said, “Yeah, but you knew that’s what it was.”


“They didn’t tell us.”


“Yes they did. It’s on all the movie night posters. And remember the conversation we had tonight where I asked you three times if you really wanted to watch Mary Poppins?”


“No. Shhhh. The trees have ears. They’re listening. ”

Mary Poppins  would have strung him up by his toes and dropped him down a chimney, you know.





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