This is not an usual site on my front porch. Ok, maybe not quite this much, but it is a rare day that we don’t receive some sort of shipment from somewhere, and often from Amazon. I love Amazon. I love that I can think to myself, “Hmm I really want ______, but don’t feel like driving around looking for it. I wonder if Amazon has it.”

And they almost always do. And I can get it delivered to my door in 2 days with free shipping. It’s almost like having a magic genie to grant my wishes.

Because we own our own business, my husband also often has packages shipped here. My kids always get excited when there are packages on the porch, even though they hardly ever are for them. This was my conversation with Nathan last week:

Nathan: Did you see you got a package from Amazon?
Me: Yes. Did you open it?
Nathan: No. But I want to.
Me: It’s nothing exciting.
Nathan: I wanna open it.
Me: If opening that box that contains my Tahitian lotion will make you happy, be my guest.
-He opens the box and pulls out a jar
Me: Surprise!
Nathan: It’s body butter.
Me: See? Exciting.

He then proceeded to read the ingredients off the side of the jar, as if that somehow validated his interest in opening my package.

 It really is amazing lotion. Smells like the ocean (If the ocean smelled like flowers and not dead sea creatures.)

Most of our packages are delivered by UPS. I always figured that my UPS drivers never paid that much attention to the houses on their routes because they see so many. One day the driver, a woman, had to deliver a large package that I needed to sign for. As I signed the paperwork she said, “I see you got a new car. Got tired of trying to park that giant Escalade on this steep driveway, huh?”

My friend Rebecca over at http://www.blushcelebrations.com is married to a UPS driver. Sometimes he works in my neighborhood. Last Christmas Eve she told me he would be out in my area so I put out some cookies and candy for him and his partner. I put a giant note on them that said “UPS.” I felt really bad, though, because it turned out that one of my expected packages was delivered by FedEx prior to them picking it up. I stopped feeling bad when it turned out that the other package that was supposed to be delivered at the same time mysteriously got lost at my local FedEx office until two days after Christmas. I am convinced they got huffy and decided not to deliver both packages.

Soon after, my friend’s hubby started vomiting violently and spent much of the next few days in the hospital. I’m not pointing any fingers or anything, but the timing is a bit suspicious. That’s all I’m saying. (*Editor’s disclaimer- I do not really believe that the FedEx driver poisoned the treats I left out for the UPS drivers. I think he actually had a virus.)

 Lesson learned- If you’re gonna leave treats for the UPS guy, you’d better leave them for the FedEx guy too.

Anyways. Back to Amazon. Since we use Amazon Prime all the time, sometimes the account doesn’t get logged out. This is where things have gotten complicated around here.

Parker is really into action figures. He likes to play out whole episodes of his favorite shows with the character toys. He seems to think every character from every show is represented by a real life toy, so he often is begging me to look for them. Somewhere along the line he figured out that Amazon is where I find the majority of his toys. Last year, when he was still 6, I allowed him to create an Amazon wish list in my account, where he can accumulate all the toys he wants in one spot for further evaluation.

One night last summer, I received this email:

 My WHAT has shipped?!?

What this was, was a giant blue balloon that cost $1.79 and an additional $2.99 for shipping. It wasn’t eligible for free shipping, so the shipping costs were more than the actual item. Nearly $5 for a balloon that wasn’t even blown up.

The next morning I said, “Parker, did you order a giant blue balloon on Amazon without my permission?”

He said, “It’s an adventure sphere.”

“A WHAT?”

“An adventure sphere.”

He told me that he was trying to order something he had seen on a commercial for one of his favorite shows, “Adventure Time.” Here is the commercial:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LgZhA2bIfgA

 (Commercial on the left, Parker on the right)

About 2 weeks later, the adventure sphere arrived.

Parker said, “That’s not what I thought it was,” and threw it down on the bench.

About a month later, Nathan walked into my room and was holding the balloon and the package.

“How long ago did my balloon get here?”

I stared at him for a moment in disbelief and then started laughing hysterically.

It turned out that Nathan had thought he was ordering a giant ball of some sort. I don’t think he ever attempted to blow up the “adventure sphere.” Later I asked Parker why he took the blame for ordering something he didn’t order. He responded, ” I thought I did it.”

A couple of days ago, Nathan mentioned wanting to order something for himself as an early birthday present. I said, “What is it?”

“It’s a wearable sleeping bag.”

“A what?”

“A wearable sleeping bag.”

I went over to the computer and got ready to google it, when Nathan came over and edged me out of the chair.

“You’ll never find it. Here, let me pull it up.”

He then proceeded to pull up one of the most awesome displays of random useless crap I have ever seen in my life: http://www.thisiswhyimbroke.com/ .

Here are some of my favorite items listed for sale on this website:

 Pajama suit. As seen on “How I Met Your Mother.”

 Sandal bottle opener- for those days on the beach drinking Corona and listening to Jimmy Buffet.

 Beer bottle chandelier. You could make one yourself with all the Corona bottles you opened on your sandal, but you’re too drunk to put it together. We’ve done it for you.

 Batman taillight cover. You know you want it. You can also purchase the accompanying Batman Snuggie.

 You know what your breath smells like in the morning. Why not just be real about it?

 I’m getting this for all my Bible study friends to wear to our next get together.

 What’s good for the bunny is good for the baby.

So finally after perusing things I never could have imagined actually exist for purchase, we came to the wearable sleeping bag.

My nearly 15 year old son is going on a youth group camping trip with the church. There will be girls there. I started hemming and hawing and saying thinks like, “Do you really imagine yourself walking around in this?” And, “What if it is too big? You might trip all over the place.”

He said, “Yeah, maybe I will get something else.”

This morning I received this email:

I asked my husband if he had ordered some sort of metal. He looked at me like I was crazy. I looked up what it is, and this was the description:

“Experience the mind-blowing power of science every time you place some gallium in your hands. This unique metal transforms from a solid to a liquid while in your hands because of its unusually low temperature melting point – and once you let it go it returns to a solid form.”

It had to be Nathan.

Me: Nathan, did you order some sort of metal chunk from Amazon for $35?

Nathan: Yes, I got it instead of the wearable sleeping bag.

Out of everything he could buy, he bought a piece of metal.

I get why he didn’t get the “DJ catscratch turntable” since we don’t have a cat.

 “You might not know it, but cats are natural DJs. Now you can let Mr. Fluffums practice his wicked DJ skills while also keeping his nails sharp with these cat scratch posts shaped like turntables that will actually spin when your cat puts his claws into it.”

But at least maybe he could go with something more entertaining than a chunk of metal.

 Smartphone laser tag. Now THIS is genius.